Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
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[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
SCARY COSTUME
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
ACED my prostate exam!
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet