Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
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it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.