Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

When kids say they’re bored…

new parent: let’s go outside

seasoned parent: go clean something

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple

Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶