Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

Got ya covered

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…

[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!

*kid faints*

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!