Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
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Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.