Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

“It got weird, didn’t it? ”

*Leaves on a pogo stick.*

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

More like Kate Missington.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.