Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
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My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.