Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
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Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Matthew was born for this.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.