Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
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[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.