@747boozybri

Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.

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@Dawn_M_

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

@EmilyAnnette6

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

@david8hughes

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

@daddydoubts

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

@pixelatedboat

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

@briangaar

Accidentally used the elephant emoji so thanks, Apple, for the next five hours of fighting