Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.
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Me high af: are you in line?
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Thanks to Twitter
I can tell people I read.
Accidentally used the elephant emoji so thanks, Apple, for the next five hours of fighting