When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
You Might Also Like
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
😜
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook