Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
You Might Also Like
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry