Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.