Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

My favorite female superhero

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

*first day as a pilot*

Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?