Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
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I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”