Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
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Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
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If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
A Monday every week is excessive
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.