Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
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I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
shut up and take my money
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.