Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
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You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
me to God
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding