Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
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(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
＿| ⊃／(＿＿_
／ └-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
SCARY COSTUME
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds