Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
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The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP