Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.