just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
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People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
As per my previous tablet…
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
