just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
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KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
same bro
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I feel seen.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”