Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

is there nothing we can trust anymore

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.