Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

Erm I’m gonna say no

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…