Confused owl: What?!
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Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough