Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect
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When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I feel like one of these would kill a European
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.