Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect
You Might Also Like
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
like swimming in quick dry cement
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.