Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect
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It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery