I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
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I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.