@evrybodydogfood

just remembered this lol

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@LuvPug

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

@aveuaskew

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

@stevezorz

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

@BadassBarbie11

If you blow out the kid’s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.

@HomeWithPeanut

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

@InternetHippo

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

@ddsmidt

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

@Alohababe2011

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

@jonnysun

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN