Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
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just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance