Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
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By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
wish me luck lads
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
when there are deer in the woods
i meant to share this earlier
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.