Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
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*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Oh my god
Saturday
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.