Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
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*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
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I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
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I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.