Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
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I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.