Just remembered why I went upstairs yesterday
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Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
when you are just born a rebel
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
