Just remembered why I went upstairs yesterday
You Might Also Like
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
my dog when i have a friend over
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
