just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
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Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
I’m that battle for like 3 different people.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Me in tagged photos
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Sign at work today
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.