just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
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me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
“you recording!?”
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
The 6 types of sex
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches