just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
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Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Expect the unexporcupine.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.