just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
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Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Never be a pizza!
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon