Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
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[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Always the vampires
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!