Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
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Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I went from rags to one rag.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
yeah not falling for this one
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.