Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
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spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.