Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
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Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Genius.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures