Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
need him
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
