Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
