Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”

“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

DAD: you need to look out for people

ME: yes we’re all in this together

[thump thump]

ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!

DAD: as I was saying

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.