Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.