Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

British people be like I’m Bri ish

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS