When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
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I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I missed you with all my darts
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!