Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
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What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.