Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
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Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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Hey i am sexy to you now
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So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?