Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
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Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
christening a ship with an overripe banana
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke