Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
You Might Also Like
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
🤝
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]