Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.