just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
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Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie