Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
You Might Also Like
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.