Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.