Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.
.

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

i baked you a cake

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”