just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
![]()
You Might Also Like
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
![]()
![]()
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.