Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

Yeah. This was me today.

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.