Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
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Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
is he marrying that labradoodle
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE