Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
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I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.