Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

So true for me

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

Seems kinda suspicious

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.