Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Oceanography is all about current events
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Girl, same.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer