Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
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this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]