Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
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“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Me in tagged photos
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.