Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

I will always post cat eating corn when I see it

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

I have so many questions.

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.