Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
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*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.