Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
You Might Also Like
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*