Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”