Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
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That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.