Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
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Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away