Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
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Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.