Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
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I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.