Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
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The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Not helping
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.