Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
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RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
having children is a pyramid scheme.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Don’t talk down to me
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Unimpressed
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.