Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

Once again not all heroes wear capes

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

guys I’m going home

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart