Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
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Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this