Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
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Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.