Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
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[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”