Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
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Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it