Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
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INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.